Because I love them
We are not married, we have no children together, hell, we don't even own property together. Therefore, I could leave at any time with No Strings Attached. Sometimes I can't figure out why I haven't yet.
It's because I love them, all of them.
It is so fucking hard sometimes, though. For my whole life, through all of those dead end, Bad Relationships, I have always hoped that I would end up with someone who didn't make me cry.
I have ended up with someone, and last night, he made me cry.
At least we talked about it, but he still didn't sleep in the same bed as me and that hurt really bad. It also nearly broke my heart as I walked into the living room and Alex wanted to know why I was crying. He doesn't expect this type of behavior from his father and I because we don't fight, we don't cry and I don't ever show them how sad I get sometimes. I wish I could have helped it last night.
So, you wanna see my Valentine's Day gift?
We pick him up the day after I get back! I am so excited that we finally found the right puppy for us, we've been looking for ages. It's a two hour drive to get him, but it will be worth it. James and I want to name him Jaco, but I'm afraid we will have to allow the children to choose, and they want Balto - i'm okay with that too.
I have to run now, I'm packing so I can spend the rest of the day with my boys and my family!
The Life That Keeps Me Living
As much as I like receiving email, Johnny
, I shall heed to your threats and properly update my blog.
Things aren't easy. I failed to understand that I was trading the simplicity of my life for love. I didn't realize that I would become a full-fledged mother in a matter of a few months. I never knew how hard it was to be a mother and girlfriend all at once. These children aren't mine, but I love them like they are and the love is mutual. It's so terribly hard and stressful sometimes, but they make my heart swell with happiness with teeny little things like bedtime hugs.
James is really good for me. I wish I could say that I'm still living in the bliss of a new relationship, but I'm not. We've had our share of fights. New Years Eve was one of them, and it was so stupid. That was the first night that we realized that the new had worn off right before our very eyes. That was the first night when we realized how easy it was to take advantage of the others presence. That was the first night when I felt scared and insecure and then wanted to kick myself in the head for allowing myself to feel that way in a relationship where I am more loved, respected and treasured than I have ever been before. We resolved things that night, but I still woke with a bad taste in my mouth. It was the realization that my relationship with J isn't perfect, it has its faults and it isn't easy all the time.
But, nothing worth having is easy, is it?
The next one was a couple of weeks later. James is, like, the mecca musician. His taste in music is impeccable and so boundless and he can play anything he hears. So, when I downloaded "So Cold", by Breaking Benjamin and asked him to tell me what he thought of it, I was already on the defensive. It started playing and he started singing along in a silly voice. "You hate it", I said to him, quickly, because he was acting so silly about it. Then he snapped, "why do you have to treat me like I am such an asshole when I try so hard not to be. I was making fun of my own singing and the fact that I don't know the words to the song, NOT the song that you like." My heart sank to the floor. I was the asshole. The whole situation can be blamed on the insecurity that someone handed to me 5 years ago that I am unable to let go of. I don't want it anymore, I hate it, but I can't let go of it. Sometimes I can fake it, sometimes I pretend, but it's still there, like a letter that you can't bear to throw away even though it is really painful to you.
So, I walked into the kitchen and I did the dishes with tears streaming down my face. He went to bed and I followed him later. He wasn't even mad at me, at all. He felt hurt because I allow myself to think that he is trying to be mean or hurtful to me when his intentions are so far from that. I managed to still feel like he was trying to hurt me. I kept my clothes on and got under the covers. My clothing on my body like a wall that I wouldn't allow him to break through. If he were to reach out and touch my skin I might not be able to stay mad at him anymore. And he did reach out for me. He pulled me close to him and buried my head in his chest and whispered his love for me into my hair. I cried a bit more as I realized that for five whole years I haven't allowed myself to be emotionally attached to someone at all. I haven't bothered to cry over anyone who hurt me or left me in a long time. I didn't care enough.
I care now.
I am emotionally invested in J, and even in his children. It didn't take me long to see that their own mother isn't providing something that they need. Love, attention, affection - I don't know which, maybe all three, and I give all that I have to them and they accept it like they were starving for it. They spend 90% of the time with me and J. Even when they are supposed to stay with their mother every other weekend, half of the time they don't want to go or she is too busy to keep them. Sometimes I pray for the break, but I realize that they are better off with us. At least we know that Alex is getting his medication for his leukemia.
And before I go, I have to tell you about my little Alex.
He informed me last night that I was one of his three favorite people in the whole world, along with J and his mamaw. While rolling around in my own bliss, I actually found time to feel sorry for his mother. I don't know why, she doesn't deserve him. He is an amazing child, filled with so much love and some cancer that is threatening his life and all she can do is walk away. She doesn't tuck him into bed at night. She doesn't crush his pills and mix them with pudding so he can choke them down. She doesn't coax him into taking a new medicine. She doesn't make his appointments. She doesn't get his tight bedtime hugs. She doesn't help him with his spelling words. She doesn't go with him when he has to have a spinal tap every three months. I do all of those things, and I LOVE doing those things for him. I love seeing the smiles and the happiness that lights up his face. I love J telling me that he's never seen Alex so happy. Can you even imagine how this makes me feel?
Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed with love for the three of them. But, it is still very hard sometimes. Sometimes I get mad at all of them, sometimes I get my feelings hurt for no reason. Sometimes I get tired of sharing James with a clinging five year old. But it's okay. It's worth it.
Are you sitting there saying, "welcome to parenthood"? It all brings me to the conclusion that I can't wait to have my own. One more year, we hope, when I'm done with school and we can move into a bigger house. I can hardly wait. Neither can the boys, they are really rallying for a baby sister. For now, though, they will have to settle for a puppy, as soon as we find one to adopt.
I am leaving for Honduras next Thursday, for a week, so don't go thinking I've dropped off the face of the earth again. I really want to blog more, I want to talk about everything, if only so I have a record of the happiest days ever, but I'm always so short on time and something like sleep, pokemon (yes, i've learned to play pokemon) or studying stands in my way. I'll try to do better.
Oh, and thanks for caring enough to threaten me with emails :)