What Could Have Been
I spent many years of my life with an amazing man. I'm not sure if we were disfunctional most of the time or just some of the time, but I don't remember my life being as unhappy as it is right now. I wonder what might have happened if I had not made the decisions I did.
I have had to go through a lot of my belongings that are at my mother's house. I found an old purse and inside that old purse was an old wallet. Inside that old wallet was old money, I'd hoped, but, instead I found old pictures. Pictures of four years worth of homecomings, christmas and sweetheart dances, proms and my senior pictures. That senior prom when I wore white and we danced to every song, no one was there but him and me, in our own world - a preview to our wedding day, I remember thinking. As I turned each page memories came flooding back and I think I felt my heart start to hurt
. He is married now, no doubt there will be a baby on the way before long. All those hopes and dreams I had belong to someone else now. I do feel glad for him, happy that he's happy, hopefully he is.
I just find myself creating scenarios. What if I'd not picked the wrong friends? What if we had been able to afford for me to go somewhere besides the local community college? What if I'd been able to go closer to where he was? What if he'd never found out that I kissed someone else? What if I had not blindly fallen for someone new just to get the memories of him out of my head? What if I had answered the door and the phone all those times he came back? WHY DIDN'T I? The obvious answer is because I didn't want to, I guess. I guess when I really dig up those old memories, they weren't happy all the time. He was a little controlling, I was quite rebellious. But, he's not like that anymore, he grew up and he changed and I wish I would have given us the chance to grow together. All the wishing in the world won't change what I've done. I was too young to think seriously about the consequences of what I was doing. It is way too late now.
But, it was nice to see me in his arms.
I wonder if he ever thinks about me.