Just a quick note to say hi and wish you all the happiest of holidays, whichever one you may be celebrating.
My Christmas has been awesome - one of the best ever, actually. I'll share the details later, but just quickly, Santa was good, James, the boys and the rest of his family have been great and I finally feel like I belong somewhere.
Enjoy your day!
Never In My Lifetime
The sky has poured 2 feet of snow on my little town in the last 35 hours. It is unreal to me and it is beautiful. I've been "stranded" with James and the boys, at his house. Last night at 10pm it was as light out as if it were about 3pm because of the street lights reflecting off of the snow - it was gorgeous.
I'd love to write about it, but I'm doing what any normal girl would do when it's only 2 days till Christmas and 2 feet of snow on the ground.
I'm going shopping.
Demons Bigger Than Mine
So, after reading Rick
who recently blogged about loathing Stephen King and about the murder of Dimebag Darrell, I am motivated to blog! The Stephen King thing has nothing to do with this entry, I just found it soothing that someone else isn't impressed either.
I'm still going to blog about my boyfriend, but I'll add a little more material this time, a little more depth and I'll try not to remind you that I'm totally crazy about him and things are going great!
James has demons. He has demons that are bigger and meaner than any that I have ever or will ever know. Today, those demons were eating away at him. When his ex-wife came to pick up A & A for school this morning, she hit him with the news that Dimebag Darrell, former Pantera guitarist had been killed onstage. He came back to bed with me feeling pretty angry about the incident. You see, James is a rock star - I exaggerate, but he really is amazing. I've never known a person that was more passionate about music. It doesn't stop there, either, he is an extremely talented guitarist. Whether the passion for music has anything to do with what happened, next, I don't know.
He kept talking to me about how sad he felt about Dimebag. He considered it from every angle possible. He talked about the feelings of the people who witnessed it, his family and friends, etc. Then, he went on to talk about how sad it was that someone died so close to Christmas. He asked me if I thought his family would return the things they had bought for him or if they would just keep them - something that would have never entered my mind. He babbled on about Dimebag for the better part of an hour. I just listened, since I've learned quickly that he needs someone to listen when he goes off like that.
Next, he went and grabbed a guitar and played it quietly for awhile. Then, he started talking about his father. He told me that he wished he would have visited his dad more when he was dying. He is sure his father would felt peaceful if he could have played guitar for him. James is so filled with guilt over his father's death. He was 6 hours away, with a wife and two children and it just wasn't feasible for him to be there. His dad walked out of his life when he was really young, and it was like a stone was thrown into a pond. The ripples from that simple action are still affecting people's lives 30 years later. His dad left and his mom turned to drugs and abusive men. She had him try smoking marijuana at the age of 7, one of her boyfriend's kept food and water from him and his sister for a couple of days, and she just kept moving from man to man, city to city. I'm really only touching the surface on some of the things that have happened to him. It makes my life look like a fucking joyride, really. He is so full of pain and anger. And he isn't angry with anyone but himself. The latter is the part that I cannot wrap my mind around. His mother has cleaned up her life, she lives close by and she has taken an active role in his life. He has forgiven her and he loves her. He developed a relationship with his father during his last few years, and he holds no anger towards him, either. He doesn't know who to be mad at for all of the pain he feels, so he chooses himself. He looks so normal, and he seems so happy sometimes - and he's a terrific father - but when it's late and he's holding me in his arms, he talks to me about his life. I cry for him because it hurts me to know some of the things he has been through, but he doesn't shed a tear, ever. I want to take away all of the pain but I don't know how. He says that my presence in his life makes him happy, the affection and love pouring out of me drown away the pain sometimes - but it just takes something like a senseless death of a musician he respected to bring it all back.
He worries that he scares me when he gets like that - and to be honest, it does a little, but only because I just cannot comprehend it at times. He thinks that I'll eventually think he's completely nuts and walk out of his life. I know I'm not going anywhere. Besides, normal people are boring, right?
No, I'm not on strike, although, I considered using it as an excuse for my absence.
Yes, I was supposed be on top of blogging after that DSL was installed.
For a day or two, I really was going to be. Obviously, though, in order to take advantage of such things you must actually spend more than 1.5 hours per day in your own home. I don't really do that anymore.
When I went to Chicago, James and I came to the realization that we are addicted to each other's presence. It was pure hell being away from him for those days. I am NOT that kind of girl and I am fully aware of how unhealthy that may be. I used a gazillion cell minutes while I was gone and the 6 hour trip home was pure agony mixed with anxiety. Ruby slippers would have been quite handy.
I do love him.
Things have developed quickly, but easily and I find myself living a dream. I also know that I deserve it. I don't talk about a lot of the things that have happened to me, but I've been through some really trying things in the quarter of a century that has been my life. Not terrible things, but just generally shitty things that make you want to swear against relationships for the rest of your existence. I wouldn't go back and trade those experiences for anything, though, because I have learned so much. Funny how life turns out.
Chicago was good. People were terribly rude and public transportation was a bitch. Speaking of bitch, I nearly bitch slapped a taxi driver who decided to take out a day's frustration by screaming at me. He misheard the address I gave and drove one (yes ONE) block out of his way - and we still paid him for it. I fail to understand exactly what happened or why it happened, but I do know that i was scared. Terrified, really, but I just sat there while he screamed and went on and on... and then I couldn't take it anymore and I turned into Chris Farley, with an "ALRIGHT!", a couple of head spins and a really red, angry face. Good times. My sister was stunning. She didn't win anything, but my heart was so full of love for her and I was so proud of her as I watched her step out of her comfort zone and do something so brave. She was awesome.
I returned home late Sunday/early Monday, went to my house, threw down my things, took a shower, and headed straight to see James. I stayed with him until he left for work the next morning. I went back over on Monday and spent the night again. Tuesday, I stayed over until I had to go to work at 10pm. Wednesday, I spent the night again.
Alex and Anthony and I are all quite taken with each other. I find myself unable to tell them no when it comes to playing. We play a lot. Alex taught me how to play Yu-Gi-Oh, and I am just HORRID at it. We compromised and switched to UNO, luckily, but he still beats me most of the time. After the first night that I played with him, James told me things that made my heart nearly burst. Alex doesn't laugh a lot and his eyes look sad most of the time. They would, you know, the child is 9 years old and he's lucky to be alive - I'm sure dealing with a life threatening illness on a daily basis isn't all it's cracked up to be. James sat close by and watched Alex and I interact with each other. After Alex went to bed he told me that he hasn't seen his eyes light up like that in a long time. He said I was good for the child's soul. He is good for mine too, though, he really fills me up with happiness.
Anthony and I play a lot of games involving spelling and writing. He's five and he's a sponge and loves to learn. He makes me laugh like crazy with some of the things he comes up with. He mispronounces words and makes up lyrics to songs when he can't understand them. Frankenstein comes out as "franklinstein" and I won't even begin to try to decipher his version of jingle bells. He's a self-proclaimed spaz and his energy doesn't seem to run out and I love it.
Thanksgiving was a really good day for me, for us. I can actually say that mine was bearable, perhaps even good. My aunt, uncle and one cousin came for lunch, which was fabulous. The middle child was with his grandfather in St. Louis and although I am sure that I missed his presence, the lack of drama between me, him and youngest child was refreshing. James brought the boys over after having lunch with his mom, for the first meeting with my family. It certainly wasn't the last. They spent a lot of time at my house over the long weekend. Jason (youngest brother) and Alex get along famously and my mother is completely enamored with Anthony. She is just thrilled with the whole instant grandchildren concept. I like it, too, because it gives me some alone time with James. I stayed with him Thursday night too... and Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Right, so I'm never at home.
We play music together. I have always wanted someone who could share my love for music and appreciate my talents. He plays guitar and he's amazing at it, really. He begs me to play piano for him - he watches my fingers move across the keys and his face looks so peaceful. We haven't done any major musical collaborations yet, but we just sit around and tinker on our respective instruments and it is really one of my favorite things to do with him. He is getting Alex a set of drums for Christmas and I really look forward to seeing his reaction. I hope he likes to play as much he thinks he will. I can't wait for Christmas!
I could really just gush about for hours about this man and the family that I have stepped into, but I'll stop now before I make you sick.