Countdown to Chicago: 16 hours
And, naturally I've not even started packing yet.
I actually have money to spend this time, so I'm looking forward to it a little more than I was previously.
I don't really want to talk about Chicago.
You folks are correct. I am falling in love. Hard. I'm so scared, but I'm being so brave and I'm proud of me for once. I cannot figure out why he likes me and I suppose I will never know, but the truth is that I am absolutely crazy about him. I have a new glow that everyone seems to notice and I feel happier than I have in a really long time.
We spend a lot of time together doing absolutely nothing. It is rare for me to be calm enough to just be there - not doing anything. I thrive on doing things to preoccupy myself and staying busy, but I don't want to do that anymore. I just want to relax and be with him. We make plans nearly every evening and I find myself meticulously clock-watching for the moment when I can walk out my door and into his arms. And then I stay in those arms for the next few hours. I feel so safe and I feel wanted.
Somehow, I have told him everything that I never wanted to tell anyone and it's all okay. James has had a really preoccupying tough life until just the past year. His dad died of cancer 23 months ago, then he went through a very messy divorce, he has full custody of his two children and his oldest son has leukemia. I really don't know where I fit into all of this, but he says I give him hope. He gives me hope too, and I suddenly don't see myself being alone forever. I wish I could find something wrong with him.
I met his children this week. Neither of them really said much to me when I walked in and I immediately thought that it was too soon and a bad idea. His youngest is 5 and he warmed up to me pretty quickly. We played magic tricks and he wrote my name down and drew a picture for me. Then, we had to watch Shrek 2 and he had to sit very close to me. Of course, I was loving every moment of it because he is adorable. They are both crazy about their dad and he's a very good father to him. The 9 year old is very reserved and quiet around me. When I say quiet, I mean he doesn't speak to me. I am being as patient as possible since James tells me this is normal for him. I only hope he doesn't think I'm trying to take his mother's place or anything. Even though she doesn't give a shit about them and I think she's completely mental, I would never try to do that.
I don't want to lose this newness. It is like magic, the way I feel, the way my mind and my body respond to his every word and every touch. I don't want to lose it.
Lonely? What's that?
My lonely existence has come to an end. It may be brief and it may not, but I'll take as much as he wants to give me, for as long as he wants to give it.
And I can't think of anything to say about him. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts of him and I'm so short on time to spend sorting them out. So, here I am. Parked in front of this computer, coming up with this blog entry that I so desperately need to write. I need to say it so I can sort it out and so I'll never forget how I feel right now.
Do you remember what it was like the last time you really fell for someone? You know those crazy butterflies when you think about him? The tingles when your hands collide or when his finger tips lazily mess about in your hair? Did you heart skip and then bound out of your chest when he kissed you for the first time, the second, every single time? Were your eyes suddenly shining when you were near him? Did you stop eating, because you forgot? Could you not sleep because you didn't want to stop thinking about him? Did your friends and co-workers notice the new glow coming from you, the constant smiles and quiet phone conversations?
And I'm stuck. I can't write at all. Maybe I'm just sleep deprived and maybe I just have too much spinning around in my brain. I'll fill in the details later, when it all makes a bit more sense.
His name is James, he's amazing, and I am going to get my heart broken.
You just watch.
P.S. The DSL is up and running. I even managed to install a wireless USB adapter to the second computer and it actually works, too!
I'm also going to Chicago again this weekend, but hope to update again before I leave.
Two moldy cheddars, to go, please.
So, I'm way behind on my Cheddar-X
, so you get a two for one deal - for free!
I'll start with the word associations, since they are my favorite.
Fluffy bunnies - playboy - naked
Coffee - mocha - java
Flat tax - haircut - shave
Fair and open - golf - season
Truth - justice - shit
Justice - shit - poo
America - doom - hell
The Culture of Fear - factor - X
Honesty - integrity - truth
Justice - still shit - poo
Freedom - peace - protest
Comfort - warm - soft
Soothing - water - droplet
Healing - doctor - nurse
The Future - time machine - travel
And up next we've got the bitter cheddar that I'm sooo behind on.
1. What went wrong on Tuesday's election?
Uninformed voters, religious voters, old fogeys who are scared of change. And if I hear one more person bitching at someone for not voting, I'm going to use violence. You know, I would rather someone not vote at all if they can't take the time to research the candidates. How many people do you think voted for Bush just because someone else was or because they "heard" it was the right thing to do? I think it is a personal right and while I would never dream of not voting, I can understand those who choose not to. It's their decision, not anyone else's. Wow - I went totally off subject with that rant.
2. What would you be willing to die for?
You know, right now I'm really not sure. I think that I wouldn't know that unless I was put in the situation. I think that I would die to save someone I loved, though.
3. Is it the same thing you'd be willing to kill for? (if there's anything you're willing to kill for).
I would kill someone to keep them from killing me or someone else.
4. What is your personal plan for the next four years?
Just keep moving forward and protesting this administration at every possible moment.
5. Do you think the US will be as divided and angry in four years? More or less?
Divided, yes. Angry, probably not. I think and hope that people will use their anger and resentment productively.
That'll do it.
Movin' On Up!
I would like to announce that there will be no more BLOGGING SLACKERY from yours truely.
Yes, that is correct: I AM GETTING HIGH SPEED INTERNET!
It's finally available in my area and at only $9 more per month, who could resist? Not I, anyway.
So, I can now blog and read your blogs from home without the delays that make me want to shoot my eye out - watch out!
Coming tonight or tomorrow - some political cheddar-x and a theurapeutic compilation of quotes from bloggers and other internetish venues about the election. If you are reading this and I read you blog and you have a problem with me quoting you (with credit), please let me know. I wanted to ask everyone personally, but time and dial up just didn't allow that. Anyway, I think it will be interesting, and compiling it certainly helped ease my frustrations with the way things turned out.