In No Particular Order
9.30.2004
Whew! What a birthday!

Birthday number twenty-five turned out to be the best birthday that I have had in a long time, and quite possibly the best one ever!

Friday night a friend from school had a small get together for the occasion where I met Jake, the Ambercrombie object of my affection. Such a jerk, but so nice to gaze upon. I'm actually glad I was able to meet him because now I'm quite sure I would never like to have him for myself, whereas previously, I was sure he was God's gift to women. He, on the other hand is still sure that he is God's gift to women, and that makes me not like the boy so much. He is definately good for my eyes, though... if only he didn't talk.

Saturday, my birthday, was the Best Day Ever. I woke really early, much earlier than I intended and found cards filled with cash, boxes wrapped in pink paper with daisies and a breakfast of french toast, sausages, bacon and eggs. I love my mom! After breakfast I went to see my Grams, my father's mother... my favorite grandparent (shhh, don't tell the others). What a hoot she is!! She makes me look forward to growing old, a little, because she has done it with such grace and ease. Her husband died only two years ago and I was worried that she would change, forever, but I was wrong, she's my same ole crazy Grams. She took me to lunch and informed me that she had finally gotten herself a hearing aid and that I needed to lower my voice. This comes from the woman who I've had to yell at for the past 10 years, the same woman who mistook words like "cadillac" for "miracle whip". We loved her hard of hearing-ness, because she made it so endearing and she loves to laugh at herself. Now we all love her hearing aid, because it makes life even funnier. While sitting in the restaurant, she looked at me with the most serious face ever and asked me if I could hear her swallowing and if it bothered me. She told me that I had probably put up with her swallowing for all of these years and never said anything. I was about to drop to the floor laughing at this point. It has been so long since she could hear well that the slightest sounds drive her nuts, herself swallowing included, obviously.

I stayed and talked with her for awhile and then headed back home, hoping for a nap. Ha! I had cake, with candles, and opened my gifts from my family before they all headed off for a football game. Krista came over next and we had a "getting ready party". This consists of loud music, acting silly and me trying on everything in the closet. Not to forget me attempting to alleviate all signs of frizz from my hair. It worked too, until about 1am.

Moving along..

We went to Fast Eddy's, one of my favorite clubs in Indiana and had to wait in line since they were over capacity. I got in free because I'm either really good at flirting or he really cared that it was my birthday. There was a great band playing and they invited me to go on stage and have a shot, on them. We danced and chatted with cute boys and danced more, and more. Then, we noticed some guys from our town and went to say hi. Josh, this supercute guy that is in my nursing classes was there and I am pretty sure that we displayed some pretty inappropriate behavior towards one another. I was rather embarrased to see him on Monday morning because I can't exactly remember what happened but I think we at least kissed. I'm a completely different person at school and I'm sure he was really shocked. Really shocked. There were about seven of the guys and six of us girls, so we all went to eat at Denny's at 3am, after the club closed. I really don't know what happened after that point, but I know I had fun.

I finally had the nerve to talk to Josh today in class and i just told him I was sorry if I said or did anything inappropriate. He started laughing, winked, and told me that he had a great time. Too bad he has a girlfriend - I hope she knows how lucky she is.

So, great friends, cute boys and insane amounts of alcohol lead me to believe that 25 will be a very, very good year.

In other news, I'm carrying a 93.7% in one of my classes and a 97.8% in the other. This seems to be well above the norm, since most of my friends are failing (anything below a 78% is considered failing). I'm actually not putting forth that much effort and I should be doing more, but I'm enjoying school and I like learning.

When I think about what I want to do when I complete school and when I envision myself as a nurse, I get really excited. I'm glad I couldn't decide what to do with my life when I was supposed to make that decision, because I'm pretty sure that I would have done something else... this is it for me. I can't wait until I can sign my name, and add a comma and the initials, "RN". 19 months away - I CAN do this.

This weekend is Bean Blossom, a motorcycle rally in Indiana. I'm going with my friend Jeanie, her husband and our friend Brad. I haven't been camping all year and the area where we are going is simply gorgeous, so I'm really excited and I think I'll have a great time.

I'm not even going to comment on the presidential debates.

Oh! Thanks for all of the birthday and belated birthday wishes - you people are fabulous!




9.20.2004
Mandatory Birthday Post

Saturday, September 25th I will turn 25 and begin the year in which I will have lived one quarter of a century. To say I feel old would be entirely false - I feel younger now then I did 2 years ago, thanks to young friends and a new outlook on life. To say that I feel like I am running out of time to do the things I planned in my life would be entirely true. I'm not stressing about it though, things will happen in their own time.

Mom already took me on a shopping excursion, since I am too difficult to buy for (suure) and let me pick out some gifts. I came home with a coat, a jacket, a few shirts and a hella cool pair of shoes. I have serious problems when it comes to shoes and coats/jackets. I have more jackets than I would ever wear, but I just LOVE buying them.

I also recently grabbed Dan Brown's Angels and Demons, which I have heard is better than The DaVinci Code, which I finished ages ago and thoroughly enjoyed. I should really update my reading list to the right. My watching list too, since The OC and the new Survivor have both started.

My birthday weekend looks to be quite fun. Friday night one of my school-mates is throwing a party for me at her place - and my sister is going to come which thrills me to no end. Saturday consists of dinner with whoever wants to show up at the local Mexican place and later clubbing with my closest pals. Krista's birthday is Tuesday and Jeanie's was yesterday, so it's a joint celebration for the three of us. I haven't been out in a long time and I'm really looking forward to it.

In other news, two of my closest friends, Tim and Beth were in Milton, FL when the hurricane came through and even though I have not spoke with them personally yet (damn schedule conflicts), it seems that they are doing okay, with some property damage only. I woke up at 5:00am the morning Ivan hit the coast and barely left the weather channel all morning - I was really worried about them. The good folks that they are, though, passed on word rather quickly that all was well.

I will admit that I haven't been reading any blogs for about a week. I'm training Krista at work and my blog is private from her, so I haven't been able to read at work, which is my normal blog time. Dealing with dial-up at home leaves much to be desired. I plan to catch up with everyone this week, though.

Thank you to everyone who posted happy thoughts on my last entry - you all made me feel a bit better about the situation. I'm healing slowly, but surely and eventually, he'll be an insignificant piece of my old life, I hope. Ross, if you read this and you have a blog, would you care to let me know the url?

One more big thank you to Johnny Huh for being the first person to wish me a happy birthday - thanks for thinking of me!

Time to close out this hodgepodge of a blog entry - sorry for the disorder!

P.S. This post keeps disappearing and ending up as a draft, so i've republished it about 4 times now. Just wanted to explain in case anyone was confused. I know I am.




9.10.2004
AJ

I loved a man once, awhile ago. He was the last person I allowed myself to fall in love with before I became the detached soul that I am today and he was worth it.

I knew he was after my heart from the moment I laid eyes on him. A friend of a friend, you know the story. He stole my number and I pretended to be offended when he called me the first time. We stayed on the phone for 3 hours or more that first time, and the next, and the one after that, every day for a week until I could see him again. We molded into one so abruptly, and I was never scared - i was fearless. I handed him my heart in a box with only a small warning, don't hurt me, it was an empty warning, because I knew he never would and he assured me, i never could because it would break me to hurt you.

He would stare at me when I wasn't watching, he always told me that my eyes told a different story about me than the one my mouth did. He never could get over them - the green that changes to almost black when i'm filled with fury, the way they sparkle when my heart is happy. No one has ever noticed my eyes since or before, but he seemed to be spellbound by them sometimes. And he was right, I am a different girl on the inside - he could see that when no one else bothered to.

He had a slight obsession with my hair, too - his fingers would lazily twirl the ends when I would lie my head near him. He was a pony-tail theif, oh, he just hated it when my hair wasn't down. I still think he was envious since his had started the receding process and he didn't have hair to twirl.

Then, there were the foot massages. My favorite place in the world was to be sitting on the counter in the kitchen with my legs wrapped around him, my feet in his hands. He would knead out the worries of my mind, right through my feet and I would fall for him all over again. There really is nothing like a man who likes to rub feet. We never said much during those times, I guess we didn't have to.

I laughed so much with him. Lazy Sundays would be spent in bed, giggling with each other, being silly. I spent those days being light-hearted and carefree, in the arms of someone who was as crazy about me as I was about him. Crazy we were. He handled me on my crazy days in just the way that I needed him to. I wish he would write a manual so that I could share it with people who can't deal with crazy me. I would get so angry when he made things better - I would try to fight with him, I would do anything to make him angry with me, but it never worked. He saw right through me and he stood right by me, even when I was feeling so off.

It was so easy to be with him, we fit together, we were a match, the perfect pair. I would lie on the floor and watch him strum his guitar and sing quiet little songs and I would think of how happy my life was going to be with him in it. I just knew he was my forever and I was his. I never had an inch of doubt that he wouldn't be with me for a very long time, but i never rushed things. We didn't talk about the future, ever, and I just thought he would always be in it.

One day his ex-girlfriend called. She had big news. The biggest.

She was pregnant.

I watched the turmoil come over him in the next few hours. He just knew I hated him, I knew I didn't. I told him that we would work it out together, that I wasn't going anywhere and it didn't matter. We thought it would be okay, we both loved kids and he loved me.

Then, he slammed the door in my face and he'll never be back.

Her empty threats of taking his daughter away forever unless he went back to her convinced him that he must do just that - and he did. He walked out of my life as fast as he had walked into it and I hate him every day for it. He took that little box, with my heart and I can't seem to find it now.

God, how I miss him. He called all the time at first, telling me that he still loved me and he'd find a way for us, somehow, but he just couldn't leave his daughter, he couldn't risk it then. I made him stop calling. I couldn't take it and I still can't take it. I throw the phone when he sends me text messages, and the mouse when he emails me. I want to forget that he even exists so that I won't know what I am missing. I want to be that girl that I was before I loved him, before he hurt me. I want my heart back.

But it was worth it - to be loved like that, to love like that, without fear or worry - those were the greatest days of my life. It was far from perfect, I'm sure, and I don't live in the world where I'll never love anyone like I did him, but I was just happy. Easily happy, without trying very hard and I really miss that.

I find myself wondering if it was all a dream, or if I just saw something that wasn't there. I've been in a lot of relationships where I thought I was happy, but I was never really happy until him. I also wonder if it was all a lie, if he ever really cared or if I was just someone to pass the time. It mustn't have been, since I read his pain in each email or text, but he can't hurt that badly, or he would come back.

Not that I would take him back. I wouldn't. I wish I could give people more chances, but I don't - I can't. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't survive another AJ.




Sexy Cheese!

1. What's the sexiest name you've ever heard?
I'll have to go with Camille on this one. Was I supposed to pick a male name? Hmm. What does that tell you?

2. What's your idea of a romantic evening?
At this point having someone to hold my hand during a movie would make me feel very good. My ideal romantic evening would be a meal at a nice, quiet restaurant, with a table nestled in a secluded corner or on a balcony. Then a walk in a park, on the beach or in some unusual/unique place. Ending it with some lovin on a tall "princess bed" with high-thread count sheets and champagne in bed would be pretty much perfect.

3. Where's the most romantic place you know?
There's a city near me, Evansville, and there is a brick street that doesn't allow cars on it. It's called the "riverfront" even though it isn't parallel to the river. Anyway, the place is just lovely and it's never busy. There are lamp posts lining the streets, gorgeous trees, and lots of history.

4. What's the most romantic gesture someone's made to you?
Feh.

5. What was your most romantic gesture?
Once, for my ex, I set up a blanket in the backyard and had a picnic basket filled with his favorite foods. I brought along some wine and candles, as well. It looked perfect - until he got there and didn't "feel like it". Bastard.

So, i'm not much for romance these days, but maybe you would like some romantic Cheddar-x for yourself.




9.07.2004
Better Late Than Never Cheddar

So I know I never do this on time... and without further ado...

1. Who's your favorite superhero?
Most likely Superman. I really love Smallville and I always liked Lois and Clark when it was running. The symobolism of Superman is appealing to me - he seems well rounded and sane and all that.

2. Who's your favorite villain?
Man, I really love Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies. I know, I'm a dork.

3. What was your last brush with greatness?
Tough question for me. I haven't missed a single point on any quiz or test in nursing, thus far - and everyone hates me for it!

4. Who is the last celebrity you've seen in public?
Well, since the midwest is crawling with celebrities (note sarcasm), this doesn't normally happen to me. I did, however, meet Walt Willy, from All My Children a couple of times since he comes to the comedy club here. He's actually pretty damn funny.

5. What's the most important event on your horizon?
Graduation. Oh, well, and my next trip to L.A., of course.

6. What did you think of Bush's speech last night?
Do you need me to answer this? I despise Bush.

So, that wraps it up almost in time for this week's Cheddar! Go get some for yourself!






On The Bookshelf

Heavier Than Heaven by Charles R. Cross

The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

East Of Eden by John Steinbeck




On The Tube

Nothing this season, check back later!




Spinning

Echo, Incubus

Possession, Sarah Mclachlan

Fell In Love With A Boy, Joss Stone

October, Jessica Weiser

So Far Away, StainD

The Sickness, Disturbed

Going Under, Evanescence

Mexico, Incubus

The Reason, Hoobastank

100 minus 90 things:

confused 20-something

nursing student

pediatric ICU nurse wannabe

respiratory therapy tech

pop-music hater

i forgot how to love boys

i want to marry a guitar player

should have been a podiatrist

i am horrible at money management




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