A Very Nice Day
I really like being alone. I, too, enjoy spending time with other people and being social, but especially lately, with everything I'm involved in, I have been longing for a nice long stretch of time to be alone.
Today, that happened. The family is off to my aunts for the weekend, the phone is not ringing, there is no work and no school. I find myself being in heaven, by myself.
To celebrate the day, I slept until noon. Upon awakening, I peeked out the window for a look at the weather. It was super sunny! Armed with a book, a bottle of water and a lounge chair, I headed out to enjoy the day, by myself. In my shorts and tank top I stretched out on the lawn chair, closed my eyes and relaxed
. I felt my body unwind, my mind moving from thinking about the chaos of finding someone to help me out at work, my trip to California and wondering how I'm going to pay for my books this semester. Everything that bothers me and winds me up slowly seeped away. The sun stayed bright for a long time and then the inevitable clouds moved in. I didn't mind so much though, I flipped over onto my belly and grabbed my book. As an aside, I'm reading the Da Vinci Code. I know it's "the thing" right now, but honestly, it is brilliant, I recommend it, highly.
When I felt the backs of my knees become moist and felt sweat on my chest and face I decided i should go inside. I am a fair skinned maiden and am not allowed to worship the sun for long periods of time.
Once inside, I had the perfect "summer lunch". Corn on the cob seasoned with garlic, cottage cheese, sliced cucumber, fresh mushrooms and some papaya. How I love papaya. I ate slowly, savoring every bite, relishing in the fact that I never eat slowly or alone. I opened my book at the tabled and devoured it right along with the food.
Next, there was some zinfadel left from some entertaining my mother had done a week or so ago. I poured a glass, ran a bubble bath and soaked until I was covered in wrinkles. I climbed unto the counter in the bathroom and examined my face in the mirror. The face still looks the same, but I don't feel like the same person. Odd how we change and no one knows. I sat there for awhile, looking at myself, my pink cheeks. I made faces at myself and laughed aloud, I really am a dork.
I took a break from the relaxation to blog, because it felt like the right thing to do on this perfect day. Now I shall brew some coffee and sit in the rocking chair on the porch.
I'll have one of these days per week, please. Thank you.
Because I Don't Want You To Think I'm Crazy
I started this blog because I needed to talk about me. I needed to talk about how I feel inside on a regular basis so that it stopped getting all jumbled up in my head, creating a bigger mess than what is already there. Unfortunately, I don't do that as often as I intended because I like my small base of readers and because I don't want you to think I'm crazy.
I'm not crazy.
But there are a lot of things wrong.
I like for people to feel like they really know me, to connect with me on a deep level and understand me. But, I won't let people. I can't be open because it scares me - people don't talk about the things that I need to say because it just is not normal. Maybe everyone has emotional problems and maybe everyone is scared like I am, but I doubt it.
I mostly blame myself for all of the things that are wrong with me. I had my first sexual experience at a very young age with a person that I cared as much about as possible at that level of maturity. To this day he is the only person from my past that I don't resent for hurting me. Maybe he started the downward spiral, but I don't think he did. I think I probably did. After he and I broke things off, we stayed friends and I proceeded to engage myself in one wounding relationship after another with each one being a little worse than the one before. I quickly learned to conform to whomever I was involved with - to be the person that they were most pleased with and to say the right things. Sometimes I would snap back into the real me - and I paid for it. I've never been hit in my life, by anyone, and yet I think I must know just how those that have been feel, and why they keep going back. And I did keep going back with each one until I came to a realization that I was in a very unhealthy situation. It was usually a couple of years too late, but at least I left. I left and I would move on to someone else and end up in the same situation, usually worse. I would leave again, more broken then before. A girl who has become broken-up pieces of all then men she tried to love.
My obvious desire for detrimental relationships made me realize that I am the one causing the problem. I allow myself to be treated poorly, all in the name of love, because, after all, that is all there is to life, right?
I figured it out about 18 months ago. I don't need love anymore. I don't even want it. I have dated a lot since then, even had half-year long pseudorelationships since then - completely loveless relationships. I used to be filled with the greatest passion and I would love with all that I am and everything I have. Now, I just don't care anymore. I realize that at some point I am going to have a desire to love someone again and I know that I'm going to screw it up. I went to therapy and I hated it. Who really wants to listen to someone tell you how fucked up you are? I don't - and I bolted. Typical coping mechanism for me, if you haven't figured that out by now.
I like to run away from people - it is the only power that I have, the only time I feel like I'm in control. I play mind games with myself and tell myself that if I let anyone get close to me, emotionally, I'm toast. So, I push and push and push until they are gone - and if they don't give up on me after all of that, I leave. It's so easy for me. I have been so hurt and so confused for so long and if I really let someone know how I feel inside, they will leave anyway and then I will know that I am not worth loving. When the power of dismissal is within me, I never have to get to that point.
The only thing that I did get out of my therapist was that no one can help me except me. Unfortunately, I don't know how to do that and trying to find out how only makes me sad and angry. I prefer to go on acting like there is nothing wrong with me. I prefer to keep strengthening the shell around my heart and feigning self confidence like I have for so long.
This entry all stems from a conversation that I had last night with a good online friend. I'm not even sure how the subject was broached, but we proceeded to talk about me and all of the above things that I have shared with you - it was a big step for me and I was sad for a long time after, and I'm sure that he probably thinks I'm a complete mess, but I hope not. It was nice for someone to tell me that I'm not alone - and for him to share the brutal honesty with me that I do have a lot of emotional baggage, and that I'll never be an easy person for someone to love.
This is really only the tip of the iceberg. I have hope, though, and I'm patient. There's a solution for me somewhere within me and if I don't find it, someday it will surface and I will be a whole person again. Until then, I'll keep my days and nights full with school, work, my friends and family - the more silence, the more I think about it and I don't like that.
I am so desperate for love and so sure that I must always push it away. I think I even push myself away from loving me. Crazy.
Stale Cheddar Is Better Than No Cheddar
1. If you had a choice, would you be circumsized or not? Why or why not? (ladies, pretend to be men or skip this one)
I'm going to go ahead and skip this one. Heh.
2. What elective surgery would you have performed on yourself if expense wasn't an object?
I wouldn't even know where to begin. In 20 years I'd say some collagen, maybe.
3. What body part of yours is perfect just the way it is?
Well, my feet, but of course.
4. What was your most serious or involved surgery?
I've never had any type of surgery - the closest thing I've had was an upper GI, which is barely a "procedure".
5. Ceserean section or vaginal birth?
6. Epidural or drug free child birth?
Epidural - I'm a wimp.
7. Which is worse, the anticipation or the recovery?
I really wouldn't have any idea. I'm guessing the anticipation though.
8. How has your blog's focus shifted over the course of its run?
My baby blog is not even a year old yet and the focus hasn't changed a lot, if at all.
9. What has been the main cause of the shift, if there has been one?
Although the focus hasn't changed, my idea for the blog definately did. When I created it, I hoped to blog at least once every two days or so, and that just isn't happening. The main causes are that I do not often have the time and sometimes when I do, I just don't feel like writing.
10. How often do you redesign your site?
Alot, 3 times since it's beginning. I don't like where I am right now, either. I'm already considering ideas for a new design, but I haven't come up with anything concrete right now.
11. Are you stats mad (interpret that how you will) or don't care about hits, page visits and the like?
I do care about hits, but I'm not like psycho about it. The thing that I like to look at is how people ended up on my site via search engines, it can be very humorous at times.
Better go get your own Cheddar-X
Click, watch, giggle.
Lately I have been feeling that I do not wish to be near anyone but me. I do not answer the phone, I stay in my room in my spare time and refuse to answer the door and I do not leave my department when I am at work. I feel angry with everyone.
Until recently, I have not been able to figure out why.
I have brought the fact that I am a "people pleaser" to my own attention. I often do a lot of things that I do not have any interest in just because someone asks me to or because I am afraid of hurting feelings by saying no. Although it has never been much of a problem before, now it is starting to weigh heavily on me.
I am completely exhausted by my real priorities and yet I am still finding it necessary to please everyone around me as well. Spending three hours per day in class, ten at work, two trying to fall asleep, one hour getting ready for class and one getting ready for work, leaves only seven hours in my day. That is seven hours to eat, sleep and be merry. I typically spend one of those seven online and one reading and one doing things like laundry and cooking. So, we are left with four hours per day to sleep. Take away time to drive back and forth to work and class, homework and errands and the conclusion is that I never sleep. The cycle is grossly unending.
By the weekend, I am half dead, a zombie in cargo pants, a t-shirt and Sketchers. My eyes are dark, my smile is tired and I feel like ass warmed over.
By the weekend, I am ready to rest and relax.
Last weekend, after spending a week with a sum total of 12 hours of sleep, I proceeded to go to a mission conference with my mother, because she insisted on it. Something like she would be "so disappointed" if I skipped it. I half-way enjoyed it in the end, but I would have more enjoyed catching up on some sleep. Later that evening I went to a bachelorette party (a lame one at that), with Krista because she only knew the bride and felt uncomfortable going alone. I did not even know the bride, but she encouraged Krista to bring me if she would feel uncomfortable or left out. I definitely did not wish to attend that, and yet, I did. I also drove there, out of town, paid for the gas - and she didn't even ask me to do that, she told me I was going to. All the while, I kept telling myself, this is what friends do for each other.
That is how it becomes with me. I say yes so often that people stop asking, they just start assuming that I will and tell me so.
For some reason I woke up on Sunday and realized what was happening to me and the toll it is taking on my body and on my mind. I became very hateful towards everyone, and that is exactly what I felt towards the people that I am supposed to love - hate. I loathed the thought of spending time with anyone and I wanted to go into some deep dark hiding just to get people to leave me alone for one, single day.
Of course, I did not do that.
I could not pinpoint the exact problem until later this week when I tried to analyze why I felt so infuriated with everyone. The problem is not with everyone who pushes me around and abuses my kindness. The problem is with me. Some internal insecurity tells me that people will not like me if I put my foot down and say no every now and then. Heh.
Guess what! I do not care! - oh, of course I care, I want people to enjoy being around me and having my friendship, but damn.
Sauntering through my mind are thoughts of me one and a half years from now, in a new city where no one knows me.
Maybe then I will get some sleep.
A big, warm congratulations goes out to Johnny
and his wife for the birth of their new baby boy, Graydon Carl.
A democrat, puppy lover and proud new father? Where can you find a better blog to read?!
Off-topic Update: The blogroll to the left is growing, slowly but surely. New additions are Gudy
and Ryan #2
, both of whom I discovered during the Layne Search-a-thon, and Rick
, who was discoverd from Ryan #1's
comment box. Go. Read. Now.