What Could Have Been
I spent many years of my life with an amazing man. I'm not sure if we were disfunctional most of the time or just some of the time, but I don't remember my life being as unhappy as it is right now. I wonder what might have happened if I had not made the decisions I did.
I have had to go through a lot of my belongings that are at my mother's house. I found an old purse and inside that old purse was an old wallet. Inside that old wallet was old money, I'd hoped, but, instead I found old pictures. Pictures of four years worth of homecomings, christmas and sweetheart dances, proms and my senior pictures. That senior prom when I wore white and we danced to every song, no one was there but him and me, in our own world - a preview to our wedding day, I remember thinking. As I turned each page memories came flooding back and I think I felt my heart start to hurt
. He is married now, no doubt there will be a baby on the way before long. All those hopes and dreams I had belong to someone else now. I do feel glad for him, happy that he's happy, hopefully he is.
I just find myself creating scenarios. What if I'd not picked the wrong friends? What if we had been able to afford for me to go somewhere besides the local community college? What if I'd been able to go closer to where he was? What if he'd never found out that I kissed someone else? What if I had not blindly fallen for someone new just to get the memories of him out of my head? What if I had answered the door and the phone all those times he came back? WHY DIDN'T I? The obvious answer is because I didn't want to, I guess. I guess when I really dig up those old memories, they weren't happy all the time. He was a little controlling, I was quite rebellious. But, he's not like that anymore, he grew up and he changed and I wish I would have given us the chance to grow together. All the wishing in the world won't change what I've done. I was too young to think seriously about the consequences of what I was doing. It is way too late now.
But, it was nice to see me in his arms.
I wonder if he ever thinks about me.
I'm about to start blogging again. New layout and updates on the way.
Watch this space.
Things are really quite wonderful. James and I are getting along marvelously and have been, really, since my last post. I think we really needed to have that heart to heart, even if it did hurt a bit. He's now wanting access to read my blog and my livejournal, not to be nosy, just to see what kinds of things I write about. My computer sits at his house, right next to his, he could easily access either site, but he chooses not to until I give the okay. I'm still thinking about it.
The children have taken to telling me they love me each night, or just at random, and I must say that it makes my heart swell up. I know they aren't mine, and they never will be "mine", but I do love them. They are more affectionate with me than they are with their own mother and that makes me a bit sad, for her. She doesn't want that kind of relationship with them though, she just wants enough to say that she was their mom and she took them to school every morning. That's really all there is. She can't even be bothered to brush the little one's teeth on her weekends. I want them to have a good relationship with her, I really do, but they can't force that upon her any more than I can. She hates me, too, but I just let it roll off. Surely someday she will look past her own selfishness and see that I am an asset to the lives of her children.
And, speaking of my family - we are making an offer on a house very soon. It's a charming four bedroom home, almost 2,000 square feet, not counting the full basement. It has a living room, family room, dining room and a sunroom also. This is good because we have a lot of computers and a lot of instruments.
Instruments! Today via UPS I received my brand new candy apple red fender squire jazz bass guitar. It's so beautiful and it feels so good in my hands. I'm in love!
Concerts. Yes, we saw Tesla - do you remember them? Hair band? - in Louisville last weekend. We arrived early and dealt with crazy drunk people in line, but managed to get spot right next to the stage. With more than an hour left before the show, one of the crew members started talking to us and asked if we'd like to sit on stage during the concert. !!! Of course, we did. It was an acoustic set, so they had 2 couches on stage with the band and J and I were 2 of 8 people who got to sit up there. It was really awesome to see what happens behind the scenes. The band members also interacted with us quite a bit. I was really happy with the entire evening, it was really cool to get to experience that with James.
We have tickets to see Chevelle in April and Lenny Kravitz in May - Yay!
School is insanely hard this semester. I'm studying more and doing worse, grade wise. I can say that I do feel that I'm learning more. And, on that note, I have a load of homework that must be attended to.
Because I love them
We are not married, we have no children together, hell, we don't even own property together. Therefore, I could leave at any time with No Strings Attached. Sometimes I can't figure out why I haven't yet.
It's because I love them, all of them.
It is so fucking hard sometimes, though. For my whole life, through all of those dead end, Bad Relationships, I have always hoped that I would end up with someone who didn't make me cry.
I have ended up with someone, and last night, he made me cry.
At least we talked about it, but he still didn't sleep in the same bed as me and that hurt really bad. It also nearly broke my heart as I walked into the living room and Alex wanted to know why I was crying. He doesn't expect this type of behavior from his father and I because we don't fight, we don't cry and I don't ever show them how sad I get sometimes. I wish I could have helped it last night.
So, you wanna see my Valentine's Day gift?
We pick him up the day after I get back! I am so excited that we finally found the right puppy for us, we've been looking for ages. It's a two hour drive to get him, but it will be worth it. James and I want to name him Jaco, but I'm afraid we will have to allow the children to choose, and they want Balto - i'm okay with that too.
I have to run now, I'm packing so I can spend the rest of the day with my boys and my family!
The Life That Keeps Me Living
As much as I like receiving email, Johnny
, I shall heed to your threats and properly update my blog.
Things aren't easy. I failed to understand that I was trading the simplicity of my life for love. I didn't realize that I would become a full-fledged mother in a matter of a few months. I never knew how hard it was to be a mother and girlfriend all at once. These children aren't mine, but I love them like they are and the love is mutual. It's so terribly hard and stressful sometimes, but they make my heart swell with happiness with teeny little things like bedtime hugs.
James is really good for me. I wish I could say that I'm still living in the bliss of a new relationship, but I'm not. We've had our share of fights. New Years Eve was one of them, and it was so stupid. That was the first night that we realized that the new had worn off right before our very eyes. That was the first night when we realized how easy it was to take advantage of the others presence. That was the first night when I felt scared and insecure and then wanted to kick myself in the head for allowing myself to feel that way in a relationship where I am more loved, respected and treasured than I have ever been before. We resolved things that night, but I still woke with a bad taste in my mouth. It was the realization that my relationship with J isn't perfect, it has its faults and it isn't easy all the time.
But, nothing worth having is easy, is it?
The next one was a couple of weeks later. James is, like, the mecca musician. His taste in music is impeccable and so boundless and he can play anything he hears. So, when I downloaded "So Cold", by Breaking Benjamin and asked him to tell me what he thought of it, I was already on the defensive. It started playing and he started singing along in a silly voice. "You hate it", I said to him, quickly, because he was acting so silly about it. Then he snapped, "why do you have to treat me like I am such an asshole when I try so hard not to be. I was making fun of my own singing and the fact that I don't know the words to the song, NOT the song that you like." My heart sank to the floor. I was the asshole. The whole situation can be blamed on the insecurity that someone handed to me 5 years ago that I am unable to let go of. I don't want it anymore, I hate it, but I can't let go of it. Sometimes I can fake it, sometimes I pretend, but it's still there, like a letter that you can't bear to throw away even though it is really painful to you.
So, I walked into the kitchen and I did the dishes with tears streaming down my face. He went to bed and I followed him later. He wasn't even mad at me, at all. He felt hurt because I allow myself to think that he is trying to be mean or hurtful to me when his intentions are so far from that. I managed to still feel like he was trying to hurt me. I kept my clothes on and got under the covers. My clothing on my body like a wall that I wouldn't allow him to break through. If he were to reach out and touch my skin I might not be able to stay mad at him anymore. And he did reach out for me. He pulled me close to him and buried my head in his chest and whispered his love for me into my hair. I cried a bit more as I realized that for five whole years I haven't allowed myself to be emotionally attached to someone at all. I haven't bothered to cry over anyone who hurt me or left me in a long time. I didn't care enough.
I care now.
I am emotionally invested in J, and even in his children. It didn't take me long to see that their own mother isn't providing something that they need. Love, attention, affection - I don't know which, maybe all three, and I give all that I have to them and they accept it like they were starving for it. They spend 90% of the time with me and J. Even when they are supposed to stay with their mother every other weekend, half of the time they don't want to go or she is too busy to keep them. Sometimes I pray for the break, but I realize that they are better off with us. At least we know that Alex is getting his medication for his leukemia.
And before I go, I have to tell you about my little Alex.
He informed me last night that I was one of his three favorite people in the whole world, along with J and his mamaw. While rolling around in my own bliss, I actually found time to feel sorry for his mother. I don't know why, she doesn't deserve him. He is an amazing child, filled with so much love and some cancer that is threatening his life and all she can do is walk away. She doesn't tuck him into bed at night. She doesn't crush his pills and mix them with pudding so he can choke them down. She doesn't coax him into taking a new medicine. She doesn't make his appointments. She doesn't get his tight bedtime hugs. She doesn't help him with his spelling words. She doesn't go with him when he has to have a spinal tap every three months. I do all of those things, and I LOVE doing those things for him. I love seeing the smiles and the happiness that lights up his face. I love J telling me that he's never seen Alex so happy. Can you even imagine how this makes me feel?
Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed with love for the three of them. But, it is still very hard sometimes. Sometimes I get mad at all of them, sometimes I get my feelings hurt for no reason. Sometimes I get tired of sharing James with a clinging five year old. But it's okay. It's worth it.
Are you sitting there saying, "welcome to parenthood"? It all brings me to the conclusion that I can't wait to have my own. One more year, we hope, when I'm done with school and we can move into a bigger house. I can hardly wait. Neither can the boys, they are really rallying for a baby sister. For now, though, they will have to settle for a puppy, as soon as we find one to adopt.
I am leaving for Honduras next Thursday, for a week, so don't go thinking I've dropped off the face of the earth again. I really want to blog more, I want to talk about everything, if only so I have a record of the happiest days ever, but I'm always so short on time and something like sleep, pokemon (yes, i've learned to play pokemon) or studying stands in my way. I'll try to do better.
Oh, and thanks for caring enough to threaten me with emails :)
Everything in my life is wonderful. I have the things that I have always wanted. I am happy. Everything is falling into place just as I hoped it would.
And I am so sad. I wish I knew why. Hopefully I will find my center soon and then I can sort it all out. Until then, I'll keep pretending.
Happy New Year, everyone.